Waking Up Safe.

I don't think I ever spoke on this before. Only people that know about it is those that were there. I look back on the events and say wow that really happened. It's amazing how these events are shaping my current every day to day living.

Back in May 27, 2008 my brother passed. He wasn't murderd, he didnt commit suicide, he didn't have cancer or anything like that. Our higher power simply called him home one day. I couldn't believe it I was in denial for a minute. You don't think that your siblings would pass at an early age especially your younger siblings. My brother and I had a year seperating us. We were close through out our years. Y'all think I talk about my sister and love her to pieces.....sheesh I went ham when it came to my brother. 

June 4, 2008 was when we said our last goodbyes to my brother. Family from D.C., South Carolina, North Carolina, New York, Maryland and other states showed up. It was a celebration of life to be honest. For some reason I felt inclined to close the casket when it was time to do so. This for me held so much significance to this particular day.

When making the arrangements we each ordered pieces of jewelry that would contain my brothers ashes. My piece was a pink tear drop that hung from a sterling silver necklace. You couldn't tell me this necklace wasn't dope. The funeral home called us a few days after the service to pick up the jewelry. I rode with my aunt to pick up hers and mine. I felt okay knowing that I had a piece of my brother that I could carry with me.

After we left we decided on meeting up with a few family members for drinks and food. I wasn't that hungry but boy I sure was thirsty. My drink off choice of course was Patron. I had 2 shots and I didn't want to drink anymore. Two shots...yes only two. The Patron bully just didnt want to drink anymore. I was ready to go but I got to the car and just broke down. I was crying out to God asking why he had to take my brother. Screaming he knew I loved my brother more than anything and everyone. Asking God why he couldn't spare his life because my brother was my all and all. I'm guessing at some point my aunt called my dad because she couldn't control me or get me in the car. I do remember getting in my dad's truck and crying and still going through the motions. I heard my dad praying and praying hard. I'm still fussing God out about my brother. We reached my dad's church and I remember hearing the saints praying for me and I was left at the altar. They just left me there and that's where I slept. I woke up and felt so much better. I now know that God took my brother so I could have a closer walk with him. Was I mad and bitter? Yes I was. I even avoided church for a while because I thought that was the second time I was let down by my higher power. The things we love the most and put so much value on can easily be taken away. I now know to give thanks and appreciation for all the things I have also for the things I don't.

Day 4 of my fast.
#thinkingthroughmythumbs

How Many Of You Are There?

I laugh and joke sometimes about me having an alter ego named Chantel. Chantel is the crazy, snooty,  belligerent side of me. Chantel often shows up after I get my hair done, when someone has stepped on my last reserved nerve, or when I just want to be snooty. She definitely is a ball of fun!!!

The funny thing is I'm always me in any situation you throw me in. All those personality traits I described are instilled in me on a constant basis. I show up at any event and you bet Nell will be Nell. I don't know how to be someone different for a group of people.

All these social networks have many of us dressing and playing so many different roles. I see FB as the place where: Your mom is coming to your school today so you need to be on your best behavior. You dare not embarrass her in front of those kids and your teachers. Recite a few scriptures and show a family photo that is filled with love. I see Twitter as the place where: The substitute teacher is the permanent teacher. Everyday is wild out Wednesday! You can send Tweets to people without sending them an @ which is called subbing. You can flirt openly and anonymously. You can Tweet all day without someone getting mad because you keep posting a Tweet. There is no Mark Zuckberg to tell you what you can and can not say!! You can actually do or say what you didn't feel comfortable saying on FB! Now IG is another entity of it's own! This is where no one is broke, everyone is happy and  life is just fabulous! You dress to impress here. All your inhibitions are gone out the window! Only person that's really seeing you are your peers. I've noticed some are in relationships on FB and very postive. Twitter I've noticed some people are single and ready to mingle. I've noticed on IG  some are just Kings and Queens and we are merely peasants. Some days I can't even keep up with some of those facades I just click like and keep on strolling. So please embellish on your life who's going to call you out?

What I put out for the universe to see is exactly what you see when you meet me. I'm indeed feisty, moody, Pettycrocker sometimes and a great friend,  I love to sit pretty, food is a hobby and I love my family. I'm not balling. I'm not trying to be a model. I post happiness and I post sadness. Who is the real you? Which life do you feel happiest living? How long will it continue? I'm not here to judge #imjustthinkingthroughmythumbs.

Trying To Find My Way Back

O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is; (‭Psalms‬ ‭63‬:‭1‬ KJV)

Today marks my second day of fasting. I was so scared and hesitant because I had fear of failing. Then I thought about it and the only thing I can fail in is not trying. This day has started off already with a few confrontations but those are expected while fasting. It's day 2 and I'm sure my best and worst are yet to come.

You learn a lot about yourself while denying your flesh food. I never knew I had so many recipes stored in my mental Rolodex. From apple turnovers all the way to zucchini casserole were recited in my head. I also found out I could pray longer than 5 minutes.

I announced on FB about my fasting schedule sheesh why did I do that? I wasn't doing it for likes or even encouragement. Just maybe someone wanted to join or even start their own little fast. I received some encouragement and a few other comments. The best part about me saying anything about it openly is a good friend I consider a sister said she would indeed fast with me. We have been sharing bible verses and also just keeping each other postive on our journey.

I did research the pros and cons of fasting. A few things medically were discouraging but I know my body is healthy. At one point I even considered putting it off another week to prepare myself. Why put off what you can do today for tomorrow? I think that's how it go. Lol

My reasons for fasting started a few months or year or so ago. I noticed a pull for me to be a little more spiritual but I brushed it off. I wanted to make this change within me but I didn't know how. I started attending church more but I wasn't living to the standards I know I should have been living. I dedicated my life to Christ around the age of 16. I had this notion of doing it my way but fell very short of my hopes spiritually. This time when I rededicate my life I want to be into it wholeheartedly and not just because it sound good. I know a drastic change won't happen over night or even a week. Hey you never know it possibly could. I know I just want to live differently and be fed spiritually more.

My biggest fear was losing this one particular person I adore more than many and any. My changes may make us grow in different directions. Then I thought about it and prayed on it but felt the need to continue forward. Whatever is meant for me I shall have when the dust settles. At this point in my life I'm okay with that. Good things comes to those who wait. Well that's what I believe anyway.

#thinkingthroughmythumbs

Ask Your Man

The ask your man comment is generally followed up with some drama. I have said this before to a female and a female has said "Ask your man" to me. Now that I think about it I've watched this situation go down numerous times. When you are younger you really think you are doing something by using that comment.

I never knew the significance of actually being woman enough to converse with a woman wanting to know about her man. I always thought I was the shit if a I had to say that to another female. No indeed I wasn't the shit and the situation wasn't either. I held all the secrets if me and the man she was asking about wasn't just my homeboy. I had the power to give this fellow Sista power to stay or leave this man she cared so much about. She also had the power to give me insight on the man I believed I was starting a bond with.

Now I'm not green (naive) and know some women are spiteful and don't want to see their ex happy. There are also women who actually have an already made family with these men. That female that approaches me so sincerely and with no intent to do bodily harm or even have a shouting match with me. I deserve to sit down with this woman and be an adult about what's going on.

Now I know a few of y'all faces are like damn she snitching. Nah I'm protecting my emotional state, my physical state, my financial state as well as my spiritual state. It's so much out here that you can't give back these days. I don't want to be anyone's side chick or side family. I deserve to have a man of my own. A man that's for me! A man ready to build a foundation on love and honesty!

So yes Sista I have the time to sit down and talk to you. I have the time to tell you what that man you took vows with or just had a baby with is doing. I'm not saying I have to give you intimate details but you deserve to hear my side of the story. What you do with the information is up to you and only you.

If you were to ever come to me and want to divulge vital information about the man I'm seeing I'm all ears. It don't hurt to hear someone out and follow up on the evidence if there is any. Furthermore some women have already asked their man but he seems to deny your existence. I'm here now or she's here now asking you woman to woman what's the truth. Why deny anyone the right to choose if they want to leave or stay?

#thinkingthroughmythumbs

How Loud Are Your Actions?

Do your actions ring out loud and with clarity? We say one thing and do another. I use to think that actions were the tell all be all. As you get older you see that some actions are very misleading. Are what you portraying really how you feel? 

I do things sometimes and then kick myself in the ass for not doing what I really wanted to do. So whatever I did when I was doing it was sort of a lie or not a representative of me. I do things all the time for others that I actually hate doing. The love I have for that person overcomes my own feelings sometimes. If I just say no and let them know I how I feel I could remain true to myself right? 

People put on so many different faces just to live up to certain actions. How can you be true to me if I never get to see your many faces? You're my friend when we are together and in need. You really don't know me when you're doing good and with others. Those actions speak loud and with clarity to me. 

I have met a vast number of people during these 31 years. I value each person and lesson I learned from interacting with them. A few of those people lived up to all my good expectations and others didn't. They definitely relied on words being louder then genuine actions. You can tell me you love me everyday until your blue in the face. If you don't show up and show out on your feelings then I don't know that you love me. Genuine actions will also speak to others about how you feel for me when I'm not around. You can't be out here embarrassing my friendship, bond, relationship, or whatever else if actions speak for you. 

Drama could be easily avoided if we remained true to who we are. You don't want to talk about Susie because she your friend but the rest of the group is dissing her. Well walk away or take up for her. You don't want Jerome to think you are a hoe? Stop dressing like one to fit in with the flock. You don't want your girl to feel like she isn't loved? Start making her feel loved and not ashamed of. 

Misleading actions is what make so many grow up and repeat negative cycles. I'm not saying we all repeat cycles but there is a big chance that it might happen. Your dad beats your mother but mommy tells you it's okay definitely confuse you when you get older. Mama allows many men to occupy her life and neglects you....you might do the same to your kids. 

I've been working on my actions a lot because I have nieces and nephews. I want them to see that I can be a positive person with positive actions. I'm also working on my actions for myself. I let you do crazy things to me and don't complain then I'm saying hey give me more crazy. Lol 

#thinkingthroughmythumbs 

"If I'm insecure that's because you made me this way."

We all know where that line comes from. Lol. "Baby Boy" many of us have watched this movie a million times. Hell...some of us have played that movie out in real life!! Tyrese Gibson (Coca Cola bus singer) plays Jodi the wanna be player but couldn't leave his mama tit. Taraji P. Henson plays Yvette the main chick. They fuss, fight, have sex, he cheats but he makes her feel insecure through his actions.

I never understood how people who had their ish together could be insecure. How could that gorgeous female that keeps herself up feel down about who she is? How could that gorgeous chocolate man hate the skin he's in? That girl with all the men flocking to her...yea her how could she hate looking in the mirror?

We can blame a lot of our self hatred on media. Insecurity installments starts early for us in the form of teasing. Kids can be so cruel when they learn "bad" behavior from peers and adults. You know how many times I've heard adults say "Ewww that child dirty" in front of kids? I'm not going to front I'm even guilty of talking about people around my nieces and nephews. 

Well insecurity for this 5'2 Cutie came from multiple places. I experienced my first form of insecurity from my father. I believe he wanted his first born to be a boy. I wanted my fathers attention so bad that I wanted to wear nothing but boy clothes. All the sweat suits he had I had but in a girly color. You couldn't tell me nothing in my pink swish swish Fila sweat suit and gelled back ponytail. I'm sure  my mother was thinking oh she is going to be gay. No offense to anyone that's gay. I found the love of being girly through my older sister closet and making a mess of her room!!! Yasssss!!!

My next round of insecurity happened in high school. I graduated from Western! Yes thee Western, all girl school Western, home of the Doves Western, all the girls are fabulous Western. Need I say more? Okay I will elaborate a little. How the heck you toss a flat chested no booty virigin to those wolves in sheeps clothing? Thank goodness I was pretty and had a sister that kept me up on the latest fashion. I would've been lost in the sauce if I didn't have a hand on my shoulder.

Everyone is probably on the edge of their seats waiting for the relationship insecurity. Many of my serious relationships meaning head of hills love were with men out of state. I don't know why but I have a thing for men not in my area code. I'm talking toll road insecurities. I was in a relationship with a rapper north of Baltimore. At first I couldn't understand why he wanted to keep us out of the public eye. I thought it was because he still wanted the groupies to love him. It was more so to keep everyone out of business so I thought. He always made videos with women that didn't even look remotely close to me. Certain events I couldn't attend or wasn't invited to. I wanted to be at the MTV video shoot and meet Jeezy. Every song has to end and I knew I had to give him back the nickname he gave me "Lemondrop" 

Humans need validation from certain people. You probably shaking your head saying no I don't I'm good. So you don't get mad when your significant other don't post that picture of you on IG, FB, Twitter, Myspace, Tango, and Google+. Laugh all you want but we know the relationship is real when they post a picture of y'all cozy together. Well that's what society says anyway. Things like this didn't matter years back. All you had to do was hold hands in public and you were the real MVP. See we want to be loved and adored by that person we put our energy into. Seeing someone celebrate another male or female publicly cuts deep when they don't do the same for us. You can fool yourself all you want if you say it does not matter if your significant other looks like he belong to her and not you. Men can feel insecure just like us women. Maybe insecurity will disappear one day when we understand our partners or when communication is taken seriously. Only I can tell you what my view is like being 5'2.

#thinkingthroughmythumbs

Weekend Break Ups.

I'm no expert on relationships but I can speak my peace on the few I have been in. I use to wonder if unattractive women had the same problem as attractive women. You know what they damn sure do! It does not matter what size, color, height or your cooking skills relationships have trouble!

Being loved everyday is what we hope for and yearn for....well me anyway. Whoever says they want to grow old and be the damn cat lady is a liar. Deep down inside no one wants to be lonely 7 days a week. Yes your puppy is cute and cuddly but he can't kiss you passionately. Hold up I think I might be getting off the topic of this blog. Lol. I guess I'm not the traditional blog writer.

Monday: Wake up loving your life! Hey today I'm going to make his favorite breakfast and pack him a lunch along with an I love you note. You know what let me take care of that morning stiffy for him before he gets out the bed. I'm going to be a good girl today. I'm not going to fuss, curse, cry or even complain to him today. Maybe on my lunch break I will run to pick up groceries for dinner tonight. I can't wait to be home. My co-workers looking at me because I'm glowing like a lightbulb. I keep watching the clock, tick tock, tick tock. Yesssss!! I'm finally home and I'm switching in the kitchen! I'm making these mashed potatoes with love. I'm even going to make nasty gravy and I hate gravy! This fried chicken is crispier than Popeyes and his grandmother's. Let me steam this broccoli to perfection. The table is set and his drink is fixed, no ice, no chaser straight up shots. He's happy I'm happy and we aren't to full to have amazing sex. I'm going to bed happy and so is he.

Tuesday: Wake up loving your life! Wash, lather, rinse, and repeat Monday with a different dinner.

Wednesday: Wake up loving your life! Damn I'm running late I hope bae understand I can't fix breakfast today. I get to work late and my boss is being a prick. I have to stay late to fix a few spreadsheets so dinner is going to be a quick fix. I'm glad to be home but my significant other definitely seems irritated. After the day I had I have no time to argue.


Thursday: Wake up wanting to call off and just sleep. Damn he was out of the bed before my second roll over. I guess I will get up and start my day. Ugh....here he go fussing about me turning off the air. As much as I like the cold I don't want to feel like a popsicle. Whatever I'm not in the mood to be bothered. I thought I was the only who got her period in this relationship. The rest of the day no communication with him and I felt some type of way. So let me go to "Happy Hour" with the girls and my homies. Me and Patron have a history so I play catch up like a good friend. Checks phone...no text or phone call. I call it a night and drive home to my comfortable place. It's dark and cold and I'm not talking about the apartment.

Friday: I'm on fuck the world type mode. We are arguing early in the morning and my breath ain't even fresh. I don't care, he don't care argue some more blah blah blah....

The funny thing is while I'm sitting at my desk something clicked in my mind. Every month about 1 week out of the month this happens. Sometimes it could be me or is it him making me feel like it's me. I'm not a saint but damn neither are you. What you don't know is I'm on to your game. You create this drama to have weekend where you want to do you. You hang out, party, drink and spend your time away from home. You got me feeling stupid and making me feel insecure. You seem to find your way home on Sunday. You show up with my favorite foods and a few other things. You plead your case and I'm like damn Nell you have to do better. Nah it's not me it's him. The funny thing about this weekend break up all the things he purchased this week was on the other side of the front door.

Those weekend break ups are torture on the brain....I had to spend a few weekends breaking up with myself. I had to reinvent the way I wanted to be loved and be treated. I see so many weekend break ups but I've learned to mind my business. My next weekend break up will be this addiction I have for pizza. Lol

#thinkingthroughmythumbs